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Confession: I wrote the beginning of my ground-breaking, mind-blowing breakup post way back in November. I flew back to my hometown, Omaha, and a couple weeks at home lent me the clarity I needed to finally recognize that we brought out the worst in each other, this relationship was “toxic”, two good people does not a good relationship make, etc…
Then, he asked me to try again, and, although I knew better, I went back to give it another shot anyway.
F*** Sh*** D***
Merely 2 months later, my breakup post was still in-tact, but my dignity certainly wasn’t. Whereas, I had intelligently taken distance before the first breakup, this real and final breakup was brutal.
I suppose this last time around, he finished off the breakup. I knew it was for the best (and had never really adjusted to being back with him), but that didn’t make it easier. In just about 30 days, I had transformed from a self-assured, empowered and independent woman to a weak and pathetic little girl.
My head was fuzzy, and it was impossible to clarify my feelings during those early days. I thought long and hard about the best way to share this breakup with my small, but loyal following. Although I don’t shy away from sharing the imperfections in my life on this little blog, I’ve always tried to avoid delving into too many personal details. I want my blog to be a little “escape” from your monotonous boring workday, where you can laugh at my many kitchen nightmares, relate to my latest Sometimes Healthy slip-up and maybe grab a useful workout or two.
So, a deep venture into my personal life is unchartered territory. That said, come on ladies, how many of us have been through one of those “wish we could erase it from our mind” excruciatingly painful breakups? I knew many of you could commiserate, so I thought, “F*** it, I’m just going to write about it!” Ultimately, I decided the nitty-gritty details were just too sad and pathetic, and it would be much more fun to share the experience through an interactive GIF timeline.
So grab a box of chocolates, some ice cream or a bag of carrots (if you’re trying to be Sometimes Healthy), get cozy by the fire and relax. This story could take awhile, but hey, there’s no better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day than reading a breakup story from yours truly.
The following events DID actually happen. It just wasn’t quite as funny to be the person experiencing them.
November 10 – November 17: ESCAPE TO OMAHA
After 2 months full of fights, tears, sleepless nights and never being on the same page, I run home to mommy AKA Omaha. Spend the first few days in a foggy stupor, pondering what in the hell has happened and why I’m still in this relationship.
After one week, the fog has lifted, and I know what I must do. I am a STRONG, INDEPENDENT WO-MAN. This relationship is no longer healthy for me, and I am going to tell him…over the phone. I want the fairy tale kind of love, and he is NOT it.
November 17 – November 22: THE JEWISH GUILT SETS IN
Maybe the phone wasn’t the best medium to share this news. He is angry with me, and I hate when people are angry with me. It kills me. It tortures my soul. I am that person who loses sleep at night knowing anyone dislikes me, let alone my (former) love. I must make this better!
Hop on a plane and rush back to former home to pack up my stuff and get the “movie goodbye” that I must have in order to lift my Jewish Guilt and move onto the next chapter in my life.
November 22 – November 30: WTF?
Somehow find myself considering staying in the relationship. He says he still wants to be with me, and I mean, aren’t I lucky to have someone that actually WANTS to be with me? That’s clearly reason enough to stay. I ‘aint getting any younger here (30, people THIRTY). Keep waiting for chivalrous grand gestures aimed at winning me back.
Still waiting…but now I’ve tipped the scale back to “vulnerable” again and find myself saying things like “I just want to know you’re thinking about me…just a couple sweet words? PLEASE, that’s all I need….” At least I remembered to wear waterproof mascara…
December 1 – December 13: AIRPORT GOODBYES – SO OVERRATED
After Thanksgiving in NYC with my family, I head upstate to spend one last night with Mr. X. We have one of those tearful airport goodbyes, and he tells me we’re meant to be together. We decide that I will go home for a little longer to collect my thoughts, but that we will stay together, because we’re so in love and all that mushy stuff.
Once the cheesy airport goodbye wears off, it occurs to me that perhaps I am better off in Omaha. I feel stronger and more myself when I am here. There are many job opportunities, and I am surrounded by my close family and friends that believe in me. This is where I belong. I’m like Carrie Bradshaw, the Omaha version.
Mr X. asks me to come back, offering to buy me a one-way ticket. In my heart, I know that I will never be happy in this relationship, but I go back. I still care about him, and I tell myself that I owe it to us to to give it a shot. Maybe love will prevail! Nobody puts Baby in a corner!
December 13 – December 31st: FAKE HOLIDAY UTOPIA
As soon as I get back, my hands mysteriously find his phone, along with text messages to a woman he took out and pursued while I was in Omaha. I confront him. And we were NOT on a break a la “Ross and Rachel.”
Suddenly, like magic, I am receiving flowers, gifts and all of the love and attention I requested for months. Feels so wrong…but I just.can’t.turn.away.
Spend the holidays together in utopian bliss, drinking hot chocolate by the fire, hanging Christmas stockings and cuddling up on the couch for Breaking Bad marathons. Maybe, just maybe, it’s going to be ok. People can change, right?
December 31st – January 15: THE FAIRY TALE UNRAVELS
Almost as fast as you can say “Happy New Year,” our little faux fairy tale begins to unravel. Fights ensue, and it becomes clear that, yep, our problems still look the same in 2014. After 3 straight days of ridiculous fights, he breaks up with me, and I begin to literally feel like I am mentally insane. Seriously, how did I get here? Wasn’t I the one that broke it off in the first place?
Spend the next week at Michelle’s house trying to figure out my next move and how I’m going to get everything out of Mr. X’s house. Alternate between battling cold/flu, shedding constant tears and feeling incredibly sorry for myself. Also, interview for dream job at the biggest candy company in the world somewhere in the middle of all this. Walk out the door with a giant box of candy and the realization that I clearly didn’t get the job. Promptly get into my first car accident EVER. #RockBottom.
Decide it is time for me to get my rapidly shrinking ass back to Omaha. The flu impairs my judgement, and I assume Mr. X won’t mind me spending a night in the extra room of my relatively large (former) house, so that I can wake up, get my s*** and get the hell out of New York. The conversation does not go as planned – ends with me begging and him being angry. Dignity is officially stripped from my body.
January 15 – Now: EVERY LITTLE THING’S GONNA BE OK
Feel strangely liberated after unceremonious dismissal. Sure, my dignity is somewhere on the bottom of the Hudson River, but who cares? I’m free! Celebrate by going to McDonalds for the first time in 15 years. Breaking up never tasted so good.
Meanwhile, I relay all the details to my friends, and they tell me they have been up late at night dreaming about the day they can say this to Mr. X:
Fly home to Omaha to lick my many breakup wounds. After about one week, I begin to feel like a human being again. And though I am yes, 30, single and in-between jobs (my life = bad romantic comedy), things are looking up around here! I’ll have a job and apartment in no time, and as for the single part, well, who knows? Prince Charming may be right around the corner!
Until then, I’ve got all the support I need to find a reason to smile every single day.
So, What Next?
Well, there you have it. A glimpse into my life for the past few weeks. It ‘aint pretty, but breaking up really is “hard to do,” and we all deserve a bit of time to grieve for the loss of a great love, no matter what the circumstance.
I do find it therapeutic to write about my experience with this breakup, and since I actually found blogs about breakups helpful in those brutal first days, I figure “letting it out” can only help. Over the next few weeks, I hope to share a bit of advice from my own experience with a painful breakup in my 30s, but I’d also like to make people laugh. Because laughter really is the best medicine. I’ll be getting back to my regular posts, but you can expect some “breakup posts” mixed in between.
Until then, I’ll leave you with the #1 piece of advice I take from this breakup: ALWAYS, go with your gut. If you think something is wrong in your relationship, then it probably is. The longer you wait, the harder the heartbreak. If you read my over-dramatic timeline, you’ll see several times where I made the mistake of staying when I already knew the answer.
So, listen to me ladies: You’re stronger than you think. If any of you are struggling with whether or not to get out of a bad relationship, get.out.now.
And please, feel free to email me at [email protected] Your friends may be sick of hearing about it (who can blame them?), but I’ll always be here – promise
PS – Keep in mind that there are two sides to every story, and this is merely one side. I was far from perfect in both my relationship and the “execution” of the breakup, but I write so people can relate. I couldn’t keep blogging without sharing this important change in my personal life.
PPS – To any gentlemen reading this that are considering dating me: I swear I’m not Taylor Swift. I won’t be writing about the little details of our relationship. This is a healthy living blog, after all.